I am always inspired by the ocean. In every season the ocean is always fierce. During the winter it is loudly physically and visibly fierce. You watch it threaten and rear its beautiful white foaming head and crash upon the sand. It loudly proclaims I am a force. I am here and everywhere. It boasts of its beauty, scary terrifying beauty. In the cold stormy months you steer clear of the ocean because you know the powerful waters will take live and not think twice about it. But the warmer easier months are much much quieter. This is when the ocean really shows her finesse. You can lounge warm on the sand and watch the ocean up close gently lapping on the sand. You are entranced it is so big so blue and so very very welcoming. There is no hostility in the cool breeze that floats off the water and everyone seems to dance by the shore getting close but never to close. But what we all know in the back of our minds is that the ocean is silently fierce. It obtains the same force and terrifying beauty as before but know it is hidden behind the glare of the sun. The ocean she becomes this quietly strong seductress that we know only to avoid her based on our observations in the cold months when we she is showing all her cards. Yes I love the ocean, I love her when she is thrashing and spitting and being marvelous and disastrous, And I love her when she is understated and flat, playing as if she didn’t know her own power.
I want to be active and excited and creative. I want to do and see and be, I am tired of being too tired to do things. I will not wait any longer for life to come to me. I have become thoroughly fed up with feeling bad for myself or feeling helpless. I am capable of doing things and achieving my goals I have higher ambitions than to stay up way too late watching Netflix and thinking about all things I want to do. Its madness that I want all these things out of life but wont even reach for them.
I refuse to baby myself, to continue to tell myself “You’ve done enough” or “Thats fine” even “It can wait” . No more waiting, I can only control my will and I choose to have the will that I used to possess to be unapologetically me I’ve wasted so much time being subdued and just staying in rather than going out and experiencing things, even little things like my family and my house and my neighborhood.
I guess what I am getting at is that lately I have been struggling with this pit in me that keeps telling me to shut off my mind to stay in and stay away from people. I have gotten to okay with pushing everyone out and just letting myself get into this rut of unhealthy behavior and I really want to see a change in that. I want to see myself becoming the person who I used to believe could achieve my wildest dreams.