Tree Trimming and The Goodness of Family

I am a create of habit. I live for tradition and order and plans. But this holiday season is testing me. My parents recently announced that we are going to be going to disneyland for over winter break, this really freaked me out at first I mean I literally panicked. I kept thinking of all the plans I had made for the holidays and all the traditions we would have to break to go on this trip. I actually cried at the thought of missing the annual christmas party. So I gave myself a day to go through a little mental break (which looking back was maybe a little too long) and then I let myself make some new plans and adjust some of the one I already had.

In hindsight it wasn’t really an inaccurate reaction for me to have because that is the person that I am but as we spent Sunday night decorating the Christmas tree and watching our favorite Bing Crosby movie I felt my heart stop skipping at the thought of leaving familiarity, habit and tradition. I saw the light in my sisters eyes as they talked about meeting a princess and seeing the happiest place on earth. My soul found more worth in being happy because of others happy then pleasing my plans and habits.

No one could have brought that to my attention the way God did tonight, trust the adventure is what he told me. Make the most of every sad circumstance and kiss your family on the forehead and smile because they are yours. Sit in the dark with the only light being a your christmas tree, don’t speak, don’t move, just feel the weight of life lift off your shoulders. Get in you car with your family drive for 20 hours and laugh the whole way cause your sisters are getting to live the dream of their short precious lives. Then you hold on to this in your heart and when you feel rotten or unloved go back to that place live it again, cry, and move on.

Blessing,

Hanna Caroline ♥

Motivation

I want to be active and excited and  creative. I want to do and see and be, I am tired of being too tired to do things. I will not wait any longer for life to come to me. I have become thoroughly fed up with feeling bad for myself or feeling helpless. I am capable of doing things and achieving my goals I have higher ambitions than to stay up way too late watching Netflix and thinking about all things I want to do. Its madness that I want all these things out of life but wont even reach for them. 

I refuse to baby myself, to continue to tell myself “You’ve done enough” or “Thats fine” even “It can wait” . No more waiting, I can only control my will and I choose to have the will that I used to possess to be unapologetically me I’ve wasted so much time being subdued and just staying in rather than going out and experiencing things, even little things like my family and my house and my neighborhood.

I guess what I am getting at is that lately I have been struggling with this pit in me that keeps telling me to shut off my mind to stay in and stay away from people. I have gotten to okay with pushing everyone out and just letting myself get into this rut of unhealthy behavior and I really want to see a change in that. I want to see myself becoming the person who I used to believe could achieve my wildest dreams.